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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
Joan: You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking.
He would just make snide remarks.
Mary: Like what?
Joan: He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?"
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On their first date, Bob and Susie sat in the dark theater waiting for the movie to begin.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand.
Bob and Susie noticed the sound was missing.
The film began but silence continued.
Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote??"
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"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but
you can't touch it.
Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
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Talk about having second thoughts upon choosing a place to eat.
I went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, "I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse."
She smiled, handed me a menu and replied, "Well... you've come to the right place."
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On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork
for a long time.
He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.
Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
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When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to
do schoolwork until I returned home at 5 p.m. One day about 4:30 I
decided to check up on him.
Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat
room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current
participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front
of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you
are grounded for two weeks!"
"Hi, Mrs. "F"," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's busy doing his
homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be
sure to let him know that he's been grounded."
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Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
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Justin, 7, had been ill, requiring several doctors' visits and tests
before a specialist came up with the final diagnosis and treatment.
Afterwards, his mother asked him if he understood what the doctor
had explained to him. "No," replied Justin, "not really."
"Okay," his mother replied, "The doctor said you started with a
virus..."
At which Justin interrupted to ask, "Does that mean I need a new
motherboard?"
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Little Johnny said, "Hey, mom, can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," his mom said.
Little Johnny said, "If you do, I'll tell you what dad
said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up. She grabbed her purse,
handed him a twenty and said, "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow'."
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A sign in the Red Dog Saloon, Juneau, Alaska, reads: "If our food, drinks, and service aren't up to your standards, please lower your standards."
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!