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Here are some more of Fred's jokes!
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had a class Accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 FPM descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen.
When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores.
When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors.
When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.
"And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."
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An IQ test question given to a banker, an electrician, and a politician was, "What term would you use to describe the problem that results when outflow exceeds inflow?"
The banker wrote, "Overdraft."
The electrician wrote, "Overload."
The politician wrote, "What problem?"
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of
the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!
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About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"
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In 1492 Columbus didn't know where he was going, had a mutinous crew, and was entirely dependent on borrowed money.
Today he'd be a political candidate.
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One young man was riding his bicycle across a university campus.
A passerby saw that a message on the front of his T-shirt announced his occupational goal: "I AM GOING TO BE A DOCTOR."
As the cyclist rode on, the passerby noticed a sign on the rear of his bicycle:
"I AM GOING TO BE A MERCEDES."
*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*~;*
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Stay tuned for more of Fred's Funnies!